Marriage and Parenting

I read a book recently, called The Other Daughter by Miralee Ferrell.  A marriage is put to the test when a teen girl is dropped on the family's doorstep claiming to be the biological daughter of the husband.

This is a Christian based book so it is about the journey of faith of this family, in addition to how the family is shaped by the change.

There were several paragraphs that struck me.  If you are married or have children, you will be able to relate to them, especially if there are challenges in your marriage, such as children with special needs.

"Marriage isn't easy.  You both have to work at it, and I'm sure you know that.  Love is a choice, not a feeling.  We choose to love our mate even when the feelings aren't there, because it's what we promised to do.  The feelings follow the commitment.

Being a parent is much the same.  There are times we almost wish we could run away and not have to deal with the problems our children bring us.  But God placed them in our lives for a reason.  Sometime it's for their growth, sometimes for ours."

Any marriage goes through good and bad times.  There are things that happen in some marriages that can destroy it.  I've seen it happen.

When one person is working at the marriage, and the other is not, resentment can grow like you can't believe.  Marriage is between two people, not one.  The partner being taken advantage of must speak up in order for the marriage to survive.

Being a parent is hard work too.  Yes, there are times I have wanted to walk away from it, especially when we were going through the worst stuff with our son.  Often times I have wondered if he gained anything by being in our family.  I think he's gained a few things, but all he ever wanted was to be with his birth family.  I do know that I have grown and changed, drastically, because of what we have been through.

One thing I want people reading this to take away is the statement, "Love is a choice, not a feeling."

In the book it refers to the marriage.  I challenge you to think about those of us who are parenting children who have been abused and/or neglected.  Our children have a choice to love us.  Some do and some don't.  Our daughter loves us.  Our son....I'm not so sure.  I think he loves us to the level he is capable of loving anyone, but it's not anywhere near a "normal" relationship.

When you look at a family that is struggling, remember that the child was placed in that family.  The child doesn't receive a "love transplant" upon placement.  As hard as we try, we can't make a child love us, anymore than we can make a spouse or significant other love us.  Think of a time when you had a crush or were "in love" with someone who didn't return those feelings.  Were you able to "make" that person feel something for you that you didn't feel?  That's how it is with our kids.  Trust me.  If there was a way to make our children feel true love, we would do it!!!

I know there are people reading this that will be able to relate, and to you I say, You are Not Alone!

Is adoption "unnatural"?

This evening my daughter and I participated in a walk for Special Olympics to support some friends of ours. When we crossed the finish line I saw a familiar face that I hadn't expected to see.... My son's social worker from while he was in residential care.

We chatted for a bit about how my son is doing, or not doing as the case may be.  We were in the community where my son now resides and where his birth family lives.  I was never fond of this worker, and the following statement shows just one of the many reasons why.

"So, he's living here where his natural family is?"

Well, if his birth family is his natural family, we are not his birth family so that make us, what?  Unnatural?  I looked up the definition of unnatural.

un·nat·u·ral adj. 1. In violation of a natural law. 2. Inconsistent with an individual pattern or custom. 3. Deviating from a behavioral or social norm: an unnatural attachment. 4. Contrived or constrained; artificial: smiled in an unnatural manner. 5. In violation of natural feelings; inhuman.

Hmmm.  This does not make me feel very good.  This means for the last 13 1/2 years I have been in violation of the law?   Or I'm a social deviant?  Or am I artificial?  Maybe I am inhuman?

Do people not realize what they are saying when they say these things?  I never proclaim to be a child's birth mother, but I do not think there is anything unnatural about me or my family.  Adoption dates back thousands of years.

if you don't believe me, pick up a Bible and open it to the Book of Ruth.  This is one of the earliest adoption stories.  Ruth's husband dies and she remarries Boaz.  They have a son who she gives to her mother-in-law Naomi because Naomi's children have all died.  Hello adoption.  Thousands of years ago.

So why do people say these stupid things when referring to an adoptive family?  Another "favorite" of mine is that he's now living with his "real" mother.  Last time I checked I'm pretty real.  And what is real?  Does a "real" mother drink and use drugs while pregnant, beat her child. allow others to use that child for completely unnatural purposes?  Does a real mother leave a child go without food so that she can get her drug fix?  

I was really there through every bit of his behavioral issues, through every school event, at his graduation, took him to college, financially supported him, tried to guide him along the right path, gave him a stable home, bandaged injuries, cleaned up after him when he was sick, gave up things for myself to provide for him, and the list goes on.  How does that make me not real?

The worst part of all this is that this man is in a position to know better!! He works in social services for goodness sakes!  He was my son's social worker for about 3 years.  Apparently he learned nothing in those 3 years, or the many others he worked in social services.  I think it's time for some training for these workers!

Sexual abuse at Penn State

I usually don't delve into political topics, but this one is really sticking in my craw in several ways.

By now I think everyone has heard about Penn State, Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky.  I am beyond appalled at what transpired there and the "higher ups" that covered it up and allowed it to happen.  


As a sexual abuse survivor, I have a different insight on this.  There are several things about this that bother me and quite frankly, just piss me off. (Pardon my French.)


1) Football was placed above the welfare of children. Yes, these were legally adults that were victimized, but the people who committed the offenses were in charge of protecting the welfare of these young men.  Age 18 may make you a legal adult, but you still trust those in leadership roles in programs, and these men violated that trust in the worst way possible.


2) Several people knew what was going on and chose to ignore it and allow it to CONTINUE!  No one valued these young men enough to put a stop to it.  See point 1.


3) This is where I'm going to get arguments, I'm sure.  The fines handed down are ludicrous.  Why?  They do nothing for the victims.  Stripping Joe Paterno of his wins?  What exactly does that accomplish?  He's dead.  How does this hurt him at all?  And what about the members of the teams over all those years that legitimately earned those wins and were not part of the cover up?  Their hard work and effort has been negated.  Don't get me wrong.  I think athletics are overly inflated and more focus should be on education, but....the athletes that participated earned those wins and should not be negated when they did nothing wrong.  


I fully agree that Penn State needs to be punished.  They allowed this to happen, covered it up, and put their football program above the welfare of the young men that they should have protected.  Plain and simple.  There is a quote that I agree whole heartedly with.  "Punishing past, present and future students of the University because of Sandusky’s crimes does not serve justice. This is not a fair or thoughtful action; it is a panicked response to the public’s understandable revulsion at what Sandusky did.


4) The reaction of the Paterno family.  "The NCAA never contacted our family or our legal counsel."  WHAT?  You don't get a say!  Your family member committed a heinous crime, and yes, covering up sexual abuse is a crime, and you think you should have a say in the punishments handed down?  NO!  The families of the VICTIMS get a say, not you!  What in the world makes you think you have any rights here?  


5) Lastly, Jerry Sandusky abused his own child.  I understand why it took his son so long to come forward and my heart breaks for him.  And to have his abuse so publicly played out....it makes it so much harder to deal with.


I'm sure this will remain in the news for a long time and there will be plenty that will disagree with me.  

Happy Birthday Son

Tomorrow (June 22) our son will turn 19.  A year ago we moved him to Nebraska to start his Freshman year of college.  My, how much has happened in that year.

At the age of 18 he left the residential treatment center that he had called home for a year.  He had graduated high school from the private school at the treatment center five days prior.  He moved into an apartment that we paid for and we furnished. We stocked his fridge and pantry. All his bills were paid.  The only thing he had to pay for was spending money.  That meant getting a job.

To him he had hit the jackpot.  He had hit the magic age of consent and that meant going off his medication. It was the beginning of a very fast downward spiral.  4 months later he had dropped out of college.  Looking back, we did him a great disservice by paying his bills and setting him up as we did.  He had no responsibility, but we can't change the past.

A year ago we pulled into Nebraska with our vehicle loaded with his things.  We went to Applebee's to celebrate his birthday, then went to our hotel for the night.  The next day we went shopping to buy the rest of his furnishings for his apartment and moved him into his new apartment. He seemed happy.

This year I am not sure what he will be doing.  I'm not even positive where he's living. I know what town he's in and that he's living with his birth mother, but other than that, I wouldn't be able to find him.

For the past several months we have not been part of his life, except when he called for bail money.  He has changed his name on his Facebook page back to his birth name, and has basically written us off, except.... yes, now we are supposed to jump up and be excited and spend his birthday with him.  Why?  Because he wants a gift or money or whatever from us.

For the past week or so, he has called us every day, multiple times a day, inquiring as to what we are doing for his birthday.  We have told him that you don't turn relationships on and off.  We either have a relationship or we don't.  This was not what he expected us to say.  In the past we have always done something with him for his birthday, we have gone to wherever he was living, I even made his birthday cakes for him.

There MAY be some sense of longing for "family" in him, but I doubt it.  On the 28th he has court for six felonies and three misdemeanors.  I believe he has taken pleas on all the charges so it should be a sentencing hearing, so his thoughts may be on going to jail....again.  I have not attended court for him since he's turned 18.  Again, a big change.  I was at every court hearing when he was a minor.  But, he has made it clear that he wants his birth family, so I am letting his decisions stand.

So, I wish him a Happy Birthday.  I don't know what that will entail for him, but I truly hope he is happy for that day.

Mommy Time

In about 24 hours I will be leaving for some mommy time.  I am heading to my best friend's house and will be there for 5 days.  This is 5 days of relaxation for me.  It won't exactly look like this, but it will feel like this for me.

My friend lives on a private lake, in a beautiful home, and by the way, she loves me and supports me.  That last part in the most important.  We haven't seen each other in 18 months, and the last time we did I spent a week with her while her brother lay dying in hospice.  It wasn't exactly a vacation.

Taking care of ourselves and spending time relaxing are so very important when you parent children with special needs, especially when you deal with emotionally disturbed children.

This afternoon I discovered that my son has been calling me.  He has a new phone number so it took me awhile to put it together.  I will not let his calls deter me or interrupt my relaxation time.

Part of the reason for this trip is that my "niece," Haley, is graduating high school.  Sonya and I met when Haley was only six months old, so being there for her graduation is important to me.  She is six months younger than my son, but worlds apart in maturity.  About four hours away will be another graduation that I will miss.  Another young woman whom we have known since birth.  Again, similar age to my son, but worlds apart in maturity. It is hard to not dwell on the success these young women will make of their lives, while he decides to trash his life, but celebrating with them is far more important.

Both of these young women give me unconditional love, and have for years.  If there was a way I could make both graduations, I would do it in a heartbeat, but Texas is a little large.

This may not be your idea of a good time, but it is for me.  Sonya and I might as well be sisters.  We have been best friends since we met 18 years ago.  We share everything, laugh until it hurts, cry until we can't anymore, and again, she has my back.  Her support during everything we have been through has never wavered.

We will also get together with our friend, Mary, whom I haven't seen in eight years, and my friend over on the Two Men and a Little Farm blog.  The last time I saw him was the end of 1995, a day or two before I left Houston.  I have no doubt we will pick up right where we left off.  Friends like that are more precious than gold.

As parents, we many times make excuses as to why we can't do things like this.  We tell ourselves our kids come first, and deny ourselves vacations or other "luxuries."  It took a long time for me to figure out that I have to put my mental health first in order to be a good mother.  Lately, the stress has been getting very bad.  One of the muscles in my jaw has tightened up so badly I can only eat soft food, or food you can barely chew.  I have been clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth.  Sure signs I am stressed.  I owe it to myself and my family to take this time off.

And besides, having my husband do the things that I always do is good for him too.  It gives him a new appreciation of what I do.  He will get a little time off while I'm gone as well.  A friend of ours is getting married.  He will attend the wedding and have time with friends.  It's good for him too.

The moral of this story is....give your family a gift.  Do something for yourself!!!

Being right sucks sometimes

The past few weeks have been very hectic and I've been processing a lot of things that have happened.  Fortunately for me, I have some very good friends who help me through things.

My son is currently sitting in jail.  Less than a week ago I received a phone call asking for bail money.  I've made it clear that I don't pay bail money, but he asked anyway.  I didn't pay.  Fortunately, neither did my father.

Things currently stand at 5 felony burglary charges, 3 misdemeanor joy riding charges and 1 felony bail jumping charge.  All since March 2, 2012.

Sadly, THIS is not surprising.  The rapid succession of charges is somewhat surprising.

What I have been processing is the level of my son's sociopathy.  I had a conversation with his birth mother the other night, the first ever.  Her telling of the events of the last six weeks when he re-entered her level showed me exactly how damaged he is.  Apparently he thinks nothing of trashing me to his birth mother.

However, he does the same to his birth mother with me.  During the conversation where he was asking for bail money, he told me that his birth mother had set him up.  She did turn him in for the theft.  Just a few minutes prior to calling me he told her how much he loved her, asked her for a hug and kiss and completely tried to manipulate her.  When he called me the switch had flipped.  I was the wonderful one and she was the horrible one.  I got a sob story about how he had a job, an apartment and needed to get out so he could continue to work.  It was a lie.

The longer we talked it became obvious how much he has played everyone in his life.  Deep down, there is no true and honest person inside.  He has no values or beliefs that are honest.  Everything is manipulation.

Tomorrow he will face the initial court hearing in one county, Tuesday he has a plea hearing in another county.  The end of May he has trial for the first charge, unless he decides to take a plea on Tuesday.

A few months ago I predicted he would be in jail and/or prison before his 19th birthday.  Another thing I was right on, and I'm rather sick of being right on these things.  All of it is out of my control though.

All of these charges are state level, which means prison, not county jail.  This is a new phase of parenting.  One I thought I was prepared for, but sadly, I am not.

Does It Bother You?

The first time I was asked if something bothered me was when a foster mother asked me if it bothered me to see my son being handcuffed and taken to juvenile detention.  My response was quick and easy... "NO."  She looked at me rather funny.  "You have no idea how many times I have seen this," I replied.  It didn't change her feeling of how I SHOULD be feeling.

It really puzzles me how people who haven't been down our road feel they have the right to decide how we should feel. Yes, she was his foster mother...for less than a year at that point...and I'd been doing this for 11 years, had been in front of every judge in our county, and had seen my son in handcuffs more times than I can remember.  No, it doesn't bother me.  It's not a reflection of my parenting.  I didn't make the choices that landed him in jail.  He owns these choices.

In the past 6 weeks or so we have received numerous phone calls from the police, our son's biological brother and various other people about his latest illegal activities.  We have even gotten a few phone calls from our son, usually wanting money.  He knows we don't pay bail money, so for a few days he sat in jail.  He is currently up on felony burglary charges, and he may have some car theft charges coming, and possibly some more burglary charges.

When I see our son's brother's name come up on the caller ID on my phone, I groan.  I groan because I know that our son has done something else to his brother that is causing his brother problems.  Right now we work with his brother on how to file the appropriate charges with the police.  Our son dropped off a flat screen TV and surround sound at his brother's house as "payment" for money he stole from his brother.  We all know the TV is stolen and we don't want his brother charged with receiving stolen property, so we navigate that system to help his brother.

I got a text from my husband today telling me that the police are looking for our son.  It doesn't bother me.  In some respects, I'm numb.  I've been through this too many times to get worked up each time this happens.  Actually, I expect this to happen.  My prediction is that he will be in jail/prison before his 19th birthday in June.  In a twisted way, that thought is comforting.  I will know where he is (he is currently house hopping - living with whoever will take him in until he burns the bridge with them) and that he is being fed.  He does "well" in jail.  He needs the structure in order to be successful in his life.  They may treat his Bi-Polar disorder there as well. If they don't, he's at least contained.

So, no, none of this bothers me.  It does bother me to see him throwing his life away, but it doesn't surprise me.  He could have done something incredibly amazing with his life, but each day he slips further and further away.

Self Care

I can "preach this sermon" like nobody's business, but I fail miserably at it.

When you are parenting emotionally disturbed children it is especially essential that you take care of both your mental and physical health.  You can not be an effective parent if your health is lacking.

I am an on-the-go person.  I rarely sit down and just relax.  When you parent kids with special needs you give up a lot, so as Lent approached, the thought of giving up yet another thing is emotionally draining to so many of us.

Several years ago I had a discussion with some of the group at ATN about giving something up.  We decided that we would do something to nurture ourselves or do something to grow spiritually.  Giving back to ourselves is one of the best things we can do for our family and ourselves, but one of the most difficult things to do.

It doesn't have to be something major.  Today I am going to get my nails done.

This month I am doing some traveling, which is incredibly restorative to me.  Last week I went on a business trip to Chicago.  How can a business trip be relaxing?  First of all, I rarely travel for business.  Secondly, I went with my boss and a co-worker and we are all good friends.  We laughed a lot, were treated to a wonderful dinner by the company, and just enjoyed each other's company.  About 10 minutes after I returned from that, I turned around and went to Madison for my Lay Academy class. The class is full of good friends, and helps me to grow spiritually.  I was gone from Thursday morning until lat afternoon on Saturday.  It wasn't a long time, but it was enough to help my spirit.

Next week I will head to the mountains in North Georgia for a ATN Board of Directors meeting.  The setting is beautiful and the friends are wonderful.  To be among people that understand your life and you don't have to offer any explanations or excuses is so refreshing.  I will be gone from Thursday morning until late Sunday night.  Again, not a long time, but refreshing and renewing.

My self-care is not this extravagant every day.  Usually it's something like knitting, reading a good book, or stopping (very difficult for me) and spending time on the couch with my husband.

Earlier this week I met with my Ear, Nose and Throat doctor to go over some test results relating to my sinuses and migraines.  One of the things he recommended was regular massages.  You don't have to tell me twice!!  My husband was sitting right there when the doctor recommended this and even said my husband could do the massages.  What better thing than having a doctor say you should get a massage?

Find something to do for yourself on a regular basis.  It could be reading, exercise, bible study, pampering such as a massage or getting your nails done, a craft you enjoy, even coloring a picture.  Pick whatever it is that will boost your spirits and your mental health.  It is crucial to EVERY part of your life!

Would you do it again?

13 years ago today we met our son for the first time.  It has been one wild ride ever since.  I love my son, but truthfully, and this will not sit well with some people, I don't like him most of the time.

When he sat in my living room yesterday and told me that he was accused of stealing from his drug dealer, there wasn't an ounce of shock on my face.  Honestly, I can't think of anything he could say or do that would shock me at this point.  We have been through so much.  We have appeared before every judge in our county at some point.  Our county is small and does not have a juvenile justice judge.  Instead it rotates every 6 weeks, so we have had cases in front of every judge.

But let me back up a little.  When we first met our son, my husband and I had big rose colored glasses on.  We thought with love and a stable home life, things would turn around for him.  At the time we adopted him pre-adoption classes were not required and Reactive Attachment Disorder was not a word we ever heard.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't harbor any ill will against our adoption worker.  We still communicate to this day.  She did the best she could with the information she had.  None of us could have predicted what would come along.

My husband and I were so excited to become parents.  Our son's profile was the first one we read.  I remember those days very clearly.  We got the documents on Friday, and I left Saturday for a state bowling tournament out of town.  I took the file with me and read it thoroughly.  In my naive and excited state I thought, and these were my exact words..."He's just a regular kid cranked up a few notches."  I couldn't have been more wrong.  At the time we didn't fully understand the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome or pre-natal drug exposure.  The internet was just really starting to become what it is today and it never crossed our minds to do further research.  Like I said, we were very naive.

The five year old boy that we met had an engaging smile and could be a very sweet and loving boy.  We laughed a lot in those days.  As he grew and his mental health issues became more serious the anger and violence grew, along with the lack of impulse control.  Stealing was a very regular issue.

The first time I heard about attachment disorder was in 2002 when we were looking at the placement of another little boy.  The placing worker told us that his older brothers had RAD and they suspected he did.  At that time we were far more internet savvy and we jumped online to investigate.  I looked at my husband and said, "I don't know if this little boy has it or not, but the one living in our house sure does."  He exhibited every symptom except harming animals.  We didn't pursue it then, and we should have, but... This new little boy joined our home and three months later his baby sister came at five days old.  I had my hands full.

When those two placements were terminated and our son's anger and violence escalated to a point where none of us were safe, I reached out to the social worker that had placed the two children in our home.  She gave me the name of a therapist who specialized in attachment and trauma.  The worker asked me to keep an open mind.  From the day we walked into her office in April 2004, I knew we had found the right person.  She got everything that we had been living with.  She didn't fall for any manipulation at all.  After 18 months of therapy she told us that she had yet to see a true emotion out of him.  Everything he was did was manipulative or answers he thought he was supposed to give.  It was peeling layers from an onion.

We tried psychiatric placement.  He was in for nine days.  Medications were adjusted and he was "stable" which is what the job of a hospital is.  Stabilize the child and send him/her home.  When he was discharged the psychiatrist told me not to bring him back. I was beyond floored.  How could a psychiatrist not agree to treat my child?  Once again, we had found someone who got it.  He told me that my son knew how to play the system and say what he thought he was supposed to say.  They saw a different side of him when he thought no one was looking, but they knew they were not equipped to treat him.  I asked the doctor what we were supposed to do.  He said, "Call the police.  Whenever he gets violent, and he will, call the police and get the paper trail started. It's the only way you're going to get treatment for him."

That doctor was absolutely right.  It only took three months before we had the first episode with property damage with him throwing things at us.  We called, the police documented and the paper trail began.  After a few calls, we were sent back to social services, who tried different interventions.  The court ordered him into "shelter care" which is non-secure detention.  It's like a house setting, but the kids are not locked in.  We did that several times with no change before the next judge ruled that he would spend time in juvenile detention.  Over the next two months, he had two different ten days stays in juvenile detention and a couple more shelter care stays.  Nothing changed.  This lead to the judge ordering him into residential treatment.  He entered the first center in December 2005. It was the last time our son would live at home.  Truthfully, he hadn't lived at home for about two months before that because he was bouncing in and out of shelter care and juvenile detention.  Four residential treatment centers, seven shelter care stays, nine juvenile detention stays, and three treatment foster homes later.. he turned 18.  All services were now gone.

It has been a long and very bumpy road.  So, would I adopt this child again if I knew then what I know now?  My honest answer is, I don't know.  When he sat in my living room recounting the events of the past few months with the same tone as if he was telling me he had eaten a ham a cheese sandwich, the level of his mental illness was so apparent.  However, the up side, if you can call it that, is that he knows we are his safe place to fall.  We are the only people who have stuck with him for the last 13 years.  No matter what he has done, we have been here.  We have advocated for him and his care.  We haven't liked his choices and we have allowed the court to hold him accountable, but we have always been there. I sat in ever single court hearing.  Some part of him knows that because he bounces back to us when he has nowhere else to turn, or things didn't turn out the way he thought they would.  And that may be our relationship for the rest of his life.  I truly don't know.

I do know it will never be a "normal" parent/child relationship. I do know it will never match the dream we had when we started the adoption process.  Currently he is pursuing relationships with his birth family.  I know enough about the history to know it is not going to be the fantasy he is hoping for, and we will be here when he gets hurt, again.  It's the best I can do right now.

Who/What is ATN?

Touching Trauma at Its Heart

ATN is the group my husband and I volunteer for, and has been an emotional lifesaver for us.

ATN stands for Attachment & Trauma Network.  We work with families who have children who have been abused, neglected or suffered emotional or medical trauma in their early lives.  This shows up in behavioral and medical issues.

So, what does all that mean?  There are various reports that you can find on our web page to really get into an explanation, but.... the short and sweet of it is that something has happened to these children that has broken the crucial bonding cycle in early life.

These children have had the very basic trust that should be established in the first two years of life violated in some way.

There is some great buzz around ATN right now because yesterday we rolled out our new logo (pictured above), our new tag line - Touching Trauma at Its Heart, and a brand new format of our newsletter.

ATN's focus is to help, support, educate and advocate for the parents who are raising these children.  In MOST cases, these are foster or adopted children.  Trauma can affect biological children.  It is usually in the form of a medial issue, but there can be other things that affect biological children. Mostly we work with foster and adoptive parents.

Pediatric Trauma is a mental health issue, however adequate resources for pediatric mental health is vastly lacking!  Providers who truly understand and can work with the issues are few and far between.  When we find good providers, they tend be over booked because they DO get it.

ATN has been lifesavers for our family because it was the first place we found that understood our daily lives.  The fantastic all volunteer staff got us through some very difficult times.

We are so proud of what we are doing that we are offering up our newsletter, usually a members only benefit, for free this month.  If you are interested in a copy, e-mail kelly@attachtrauma.org or julieb@attachtrauma.org.

Also check out our Facebook, Google Plus and Twitter pages.   We will also very happily accept your donation.  ATN is completely volunteer run.  Every person on staff is parenting or working with traumatized children.  We understand the parents we work with because we live it every single day.  You can also join ATN as a parent for only $35 a year, or as a professional member for $75 a year.

Even if you're not parenting a traumatized child, you can make a difference in the life of these children.

If you are parenting one of these children, ATN wants you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Christmas isn't always Merry

For the past few days I have had a great sense of uneasiness.  It is overwhelming and something I could not shake. This usually means that the 18 year old is about to blow.  To my knowledge this hasn’t happened, but I doubt anyone would tell me if he did.

These feelings had me edge, but as I sat in church last night, another feeling hit me. The feeling of not being wanted or welcome.  As our pastor described why it was so amazing that the shepherds were the first to hear the news of Jesus’ birth, I identified with them.

She described a population that were thought to be outcasts, unworthy, unclean and smelly, just a lower class person.  These feelings were overwhelming.

As we ended the church service with great joy, that feeling just nagged at me.

When we got home, I did my Christmas Eve tradition of curling up on the couch and watching “It’s A Wonderful Life.”  My daughter was in bed, and hubby was on an ambulance shift until 11 PM, so I was essentially alone.

As I watched the movie, I identified with the main character, George Bailey.  He faces a hard time and feels that things would have been better if he had never been born.  If you’ve never seen the movie, an angel is sent to show him what life would have been like for the people he loves if he hadn’t been born. 

I was left with some of the same questions.  I posted this on Facebook and received some beautiful messages from people about how I have impacted their lives, but my feelings are not unusual for parents with emotionally disturbed children.

You see, I have basically lost my family.  There are a few people that have stuck by me through the years, but overwhelmingly, I have more criticism than anything.  Unless you parent a child or children like mine, you can’t understand. 

I have family members that truly wish I no longer walked this earth.  They would rejoice over my death.  (No, I’m not exaggerating.) 

A few years ago my grandmother on my mother’s side called me and told me that if I wanted to be invited back into the family and attend family functions again, I would need to meet with her and she would establish the rules for me.  Excuse me?  This is how family treats each other?  I don’t think so. That meeting never happened, and we don’t do family functions.

The contempt for me on the other side of the family is not hidden.  It is more passive aggressive, but it is still there.  I have two aunts that do the digs behind my back.  Other family members delight in joining them. 

My parents and my brothers, those relationships are non-existent.  My father and I get along, but he will never openly support me. 

So, during a season when everyone is talking about family and togetherness, it is a not so subtle reminder that I have none.  Don’t get me wrong, I can do without the drama and hearing what a horrible person I am, the glaring looks from people who wish they could kill me with looks, and the over all sense that I don’t belong.

It is just an in your face reminder of what we don’t have.  I love my in-laws, but they live in Texas and usually aren’t here for the holidays.

This feeling or phase will pass, but I wanted to write this because I know that I am not the only one that deals with this.  Many families of kids with attachment disorder have lost friends and family because they can never understand what we live with every day.  I know my son is working things at family gatherings and presenting himself as the charming and mistreated child.  Only someone who understands will see through his charming demeanor.

And in case you’re wondering… no, we haven’t heard a word from him since Thanksgiving.  We are useless to him if we won’t give him money.  The fact that he is not with us for Christmas means nothing to him.

The fact that I have “lost” a child weighs on me.

Secondary PTSD

Our son has been back "home" for two weeks now.  The only time we have heard from him is when he demanded money this weekend.  He was disrespectful and just plain nasty.  


It's a very long story, but the bank wouldn't release his money to him because he was a minor when I set up the account.  It listed me as the guardian, so he had to have my consent to withdraw anything.  I sent him an e-mail allowing him to do so, but I told him that he would not be getting a substantial amount of money that my grandfather gave him for graduation.  That check was made out to me and son because my grandfather gets it.  The money was intended for his education, which he chose not to continue.  I am honoring the integrity of what my grandfather wants done.  I received the following e-mail in response.  This is word for word what he wrote. I have not changed a thing.


"if it was there since i was eight like you said then why do I have no money in there??? doesnt make sense and way to be a complete ass yourself....i really dont get you .... i was ur son, was i not good enough, the drama. all the shit that happened in your house made me a stronger person.

first. you need to grow up yourself,

second. you need to make things right with all the people you have screwed over and then u might be a little happier.

and third, you need to take a look at your mind and all that goes through it, i dont understand you, why is everthing that comes out of your mouth or an email always hurtful or a way to punch back? Its not right for an adult to do that ....

furthurmore, I am glad you are out of my life, you never seemed to be in it in the first place, and dont f around with me anymore, the rumors, the bullshit needs to stop im not your sevenyear old pet anymore!!!!!

Peace love and hopefully a little happiness to you:)"

Yes, that last line is his too.  

Now, you probably don't have an emotional reaction to this e-mail but I sure do.  This is called Secondary PTSD, but I disagree.

You often hear of PTSD in military vets, and rightfully so.  They have lived through unspeakable horrors, and seen things I don't even want to think about.

PTSD is often diagnosed in kids who have been abused and/or neglected as well.  Because of the abuse  and neglect, the children have been traumatized.  PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The diagnosis is made when someone has been in a traumatic event, or ongoing events, such as the war vets.  However, people who live in abusive situations also get the diagnosis because they have lived in continual trauma.

Parents who parent these children often get a diagnosis of Secondary PTSD because they live with children who are recreating the trauma they endured in their birth home.  And here's where I disagree with the diagnosis.  I lived, and continue to live in trauma.  I have been physically and emotionally abused by my child.  Some people wonder how a child can emotionally abuse an adult.  Trust me, it is possible.

For years I lived in fear.  When my son raged, windows were shattered with crow bars, banisters were ripped from the floor, holes were kicked in walls and the list goes on.  I lived with violence.  I was called names and things you would never say to another human being.  Examples are in the e-mail listed above.  What child speaks to a parent like that and thinks it is OK?  And trust me, this is mild compared to many words that have been hurtled my way through the years.  

These are the spewings of a mentally unstable person, who is off his medication.  When my phone rings and I see his number, my stomach clenches.  When I see his name on an e-mail, my stomach clenches, when I am home alone, I am truly afraid.  If you re-read the e-mail, you can see how crazy it is.  It is so scattered with no rhyme or reason to what he's saying and things that are irrelevant to the "conversation" and just flat out lies.

My son has a history of extremely violent outbursts around Thanksgiving time.  He has spent at least three Thanksgivings in jail. I'd have to check the records to be sure of the exact amount.  Two years ago he threw his foster father (court ordered placement) across the room.  The man hit his head on a windowsill and wound up with 11 stitches in his head.  This is why I'm afraid!!!  I know what this "child" is capable of.  I have seen it first hand.  I am waiting for the blow up to come this week and I wonder how damage to my home or vehicles or even myself will play into things.  

In many respects, I am a battered woman, although the battering came at the hands of my child, so many people dismiss my feelings.  There is nothing secondary about my fear.  There is nothing secondary about what I have seen and been subjected to over the years.  

I will not respond to this e-mail or phone calls for several reasons.  

1) I don't have the energy.

2) As I have blogged about previously, you can't argue with crazy.

I am working with my friend, Charly, who has wonderful information on how essential oils can change the brain and help to relieve the symptoms I have.  I will have more about that after I receive my shipment and start using them.  

I cannot continue to live in this insanity, but right now I don't know a way out.  I can't walk away from my home to get away from him, but I can work to change my responses to his craziness, or choose not to respond.  

Sadly, I'm Right

I had to emotionally process the events of the past few days before I could blog about them.


When our son entered college, I predicted he would not make it through the first semester.  Sadly, I was right.  On Monday we discovered that he left the college and moved in with my parents, without a word to us by anyone involved in this.  There were so many emotions involved when I learned this information.


In a previous blog, I posted that he was nearing dismissal from the college because of his inability/unwillingness to follow the college rules.  He knew the rules before he ever left for college, so he cannot say this was a shock.


On October 29, the day I posted the blog actually, he elected to move out of the college.  Because he had signed a privacy waiver, the college was able to tell me about the circumstances, which they could not have otherwise.  Here is the e-mail I received from them.  This is their words, not my interpretation of what they said.


"T left (the) College on the 29th of October. He moved his stuff out of the dorm room and moved in with an expelled student in town. We, (the) College, officially withdrew him from the college on that Monday, October 31st. He moved all of his things out of the dorm room; there was nothing left on campus.  This information comes from the Academic Dean and T's Dorm Manager.

I can tell you that T was not expelled or kicked out of (the) College. T chose to leave (the) College. He was struggling academically, but I was working with him and he could have passed all but one course. T's conduct on and off campus is what caused issues. He disrespected the authority of the Dorm Manager and the Assistant Dean of Student Services. He was summoned by the Assistant Dean on a couple of occasions to discuss his chapel absences. One time he did not show up and another he lied to her that he was in my class, which he wasn't. T was also going around town soliciting money from people because his "grandmother was dying of cancer." He was also mowing lawns for money, but said it was to raise money for the soccer team, which wasn't true. He did talk about leaving and the soccer coach and I did talk with him at length. I helped him try to withdrawal weeks before he left, but he decided to stay because he would owe over $10,000. It was at that point I help get his Dorm Manager to help wake him up for chapel so he wouldn't be expelled. That was a week or two before he left.

While T could have been getting expelled for excessive chapel absences, his blatant disregard of authority, lying, and outside conduct in the town - HE CHOSE TO LEAVE. I was working with him and all those involved to keep him here. I know this was probably the best place for him and tried desperately to keep him here. I am sad that he left, but it was his choice.

I am sorry to write these things about your son, but I hope they help you in the future."

None of what is written is a surprise to me.  Last weekend he hopped a train and a bus to plant him back in the state, however, he had no plans for anyone to pick him up, nor did he tell anyone he was coming.  He attempted to land at his former foster parents house.  They refused to keep him.  He then contacted my parents, who took him in.  We were not notified of any of this.  He left behind everything that we had purchased for him for his apartment and dorm room and he arrived with 2 suitcases.

I have shared all of the information from the college with my parents, and have been brutally honest with them.  Our son becomes extremely violent around Thanksgiving.  He has spent 3 of the past 5 Thanksgivings in jail.  And this is when he was on his medication, which he is not now.  I fear for their safety, as well as our family's since we are in very close proximity now.

Our son has made no attempt to contact us and has left it to my father to notify us that he is back in town.  This upsets me because it shows yet another level of irresponsibility and not taking the consequences of his actions.

Additionally, we have found out that he is being investigated for "criminal mischief" in the town he just left.  No charges have been filed yet, and we don't know if charges will be filed.  

My husband, my daughter and myself are handling this better than we were a few days ago, and we are working very hard to let this go and let the chips fall where they may.  My parents think they can "save" him and lead him down the right path.  I don't know what they are going to do that we haven't done in the last 13 years.  I told my father that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and the only thing he wants from anyone right now is to mooch off them.  If someone won't give him money, he has no use for them, and this includes his biological brothers.  

My husband and I know that we have tried our hardest and done everything we can to help him.  Now it's his turn to take charge of his life and start taking responsibility for some very large mistakes.  We have friends who have been incredibly supportive, and we are beyond thankful for that!  I have a feeling we will be leaning on them, and our faith, greatly in the coming months. 

You're not coming home

Yesterday we received a letter from the college our 18 year old attends telling us that he is one infraction away from being dismissed from the school.  We are only halfway through the first semester.  Sadly, this doesn't surprise me.  I predicted he wouldn't make it through the first semester.

When/if he bombs out, he will not be returning to our home.  I don't know where he will go, but it won't be here.

Yes, I know I sound cold, but this is my reality.  I know many people who haven't walked in my shoes judge this, so let me explain a little bit about our lives.

If you've seen my previous posts, you know that our son is severely mentally ill.  There are 10 mental health diagnoses.  He is extremely violent.  We have replaced windows, walls, stair railings and much more because he has destroyed them.

Due to his violent and criminal behaviors, we have appeared in front of every judge in our county as well as been in court in three other counties.

He has been in 3 different treatment foster homes and has been in residential treatment 4 different times, in additional to psychiatric hospital placements.  He has been in juvenile detention 9 times.

We have torn out the carpet in his bedroom because it stunk so bad from peeing on it - yes, intentionally, and burned his mattress for the same reason.

We spent endless hours preparing him for college, what the rules and expectations were.  We had numerous discussions with him while his social worker and case worker at the residential treatment center were present.  No one can say we did not prepare him for what college would hold.  One of the things he is on probation for is skipping chapel.  He's skipped it 15 times and they are allowed 10 misses in the semester.  Again, we are only halfway through the semester.  He knew the expectations of this before he ever left.

We are anticipating something major around Thanksgiving.  He has spent 3 of the last 5 Thanksgivings in jail.  Even when he is on his medication, he blows - BIG - around Thanksgiving.  A couple of years ago his foster father ended up with 11 stitches in his head because my son threw him across the room in a rage.  And that was when he was ON his medication.  Off his meds, he is beyond unpredictable.  He has indicated that he's going to Colorado with a "friend" to the family home for Thanksgiving.  I am grateful I don't have to fight to battle of him not coming here, but I am scared for this family.  I know warnings would fall on deaf ears though.  He presents as sweet and charming.  Remember Eddie Haskal from "Leave it to Beaver"?  Yep, that's my son.

We also have a 10 year old daughter to consider.  Allowing him to live with us and potentially put her safety in jeopardy... just not an option.  Not to mention the safety of myself and my husband.  If he can throw a grown man across the room, what do you think he could do to me?  And the majority of the time my husband is not home.  He works during the day and most weekends.  I would never trust our son to be alone with our daughter.  If he went "off" about something, she wouldn't stand a chance.

So, these are the reasons our son is not moving back home.  Not because I'm cold hearted, but because I'm a realist.  I harbor no fantasies that living with us would change him or help him.  It hasn't helped in almost 13 years, why would it suddenly change now.  And based on the nasty messages I get from him,  there is no change in the works.  My family's and my safety comes first.

Don't argue with crazy....

In my previous post, I talked about my mentally ill adult son.  He decided to go off his medication, which is just plain dangerous on so many levels.

Yesterday he sent me a text asking for money to pay his cell phone bill.  We said we would pay the bill, but he had to be 1) in school AND 2) on his medication.

For the several weeks leading up to this we received long rants from him about how he is doing "great" off his medication and we just want to keep him drugged up and other such things.  This is just plain crazy talk.  We don't want him drugged up, we want him safe, and those around him safe.

When I stood my ground and refused to give him money yesterday he cursed me out via text.  I didn't argue with him.  You can't argue with someone who is not rational.

This afternoon we discovered that when we would not give him money, son went to my father and tried to lie and manipulate his way into money.  He claimed that we would not give him any money for his medication.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  Last month I gave him money when he told me he was getting his medication refilled.  He had no intention of doing so and used the money on absolutely ridiculous things.  I'd been burned and learned my lesson.

Fortunately, my father mentioned this to my husband today.  We don't sugar coat our son's issues.  We are honest, but my family has always wanted to believe we are wrong, that there is SOMETHING we can do.  We have done everything WE can, but he does not.  After today's discussion, my father may be starting to understand.  Hopefully......

It's not that I want to deny my son things, but I am not OK with him lying to and manipulating people.  He does it quite well.  He is incredibly charming.  When he does not get his way though.... Look out!!!  After young son found out he was busted and that Grandpa now knew the truth, the anger and hatred came unabated.  I am so thankful that he is 10 hours away and I am out of the path of his wrath.  I do fear for those around him when he is like this, but I cannot force him to take his medication.

Nor, will I argue with someone who is not rational.  I didn't take the bait.  I didn't continue the text argument he tried to start.  I blew off the hateful words and names, and I decorated cookies instead.  I did something good for my mental health and for people whom I love and who will appreciate my efforts.

It was far more productive than trying to argue with a crazy person.

Living with a mentally ill adult

My husband and I have an 18 year old son who started his first day of college at a small college in Nebraska today.

For a long list of reasons, we moved him to Nebraska when he turned 18, 2 months ago today.  He moved into an apartment that we paid for, all bills paid for, fully furnished by us, fridge and pantry stocked by us, so he had no bills.  This was until he could get into the dorms earlier this month.

Part of understanding what is to follow is that he has a host of mental illness.  His birth mother drank and used through the entire pregnancy so he has Fetal Alcohol Effects/Syndrome and pre-natal drug exposure.  He also has ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Tourette's Syndrome, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Bi-Polar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder before he was 18.  Technically a person can't be listed as Borderline Personality (a nice term for sociopath) until he/she is 18, but as the psychiatrist pointed out, no one wakes up on their 18th birthday and suddenly is affected.  But, this is what the medical community considers the criteria.

We have a fabulous psychiatrist here in Wisconsin that we have worked with for years.  He saw our son the month before he turned 18 and son talked about going off his medication.  Many of his disorder cannot be medicated but the ADHD and Bi-Polar can.  He's been on  medication since he was 4 years old, and it is very apparent when he is off his medication.

The psychiatrist told our son in no uncertain terms that going off his medication while he was making such major changes in his life was a VERY bad idea and that he should monitored if he decided to change the doses or try to go off his medication.  Most psychiatric medications need to decreased slowly rather than just stopped.

Before he moved, we made it abundantly clear to our son that our continued financial support of things like the cell phone bill would be dependent upon two things.  1) that he remain in school AND 2) that he remain on his medication.

About a month ago I had suspicions that he had gone off his medications.  There were little signs that I could detect even 10 hours away.  I called his doctor in Nebraska and confirmed that he had not had his medication refilled.  The doctor did not violate any HIPPA regulations.  Our son is considered a minor, for health reasons in Nebraska, until he is 19 and he signed a consent form when we got him set up with the doctor in Nebraska that allowed them to release any medical information to me.

My husband and I confronted him about the medication issue and at first he lied, then he finally confessed and became very hostile about it.  We have no right to keep him "drugged up" and so on.  These rantings are typical when he's off his medication.  We again reminded him that our financial support would cease if he chose to continue this.  We had already agreed that we would pay the doctor bills and the co-pays on the medications so there was no financial burden on him to continue the meds.  He was openly hostile to my husband, but much more polite to me.

Today, I received a text from son asking me to pay his cell phone bill. I reminded him that we were not paying the bill since he chose to go off his medication and he blew the, literally, thousands of dollars that he made at a job he had for the summer.  Actions have consequences I reminded him.  He became hostile and cursed me.

Now.... Why don't I argue with him and point out the errors of his ways and give him the logical reasons why we are doing this?  The simple answer is, you can't argue with a crazy person.  Off his medication he is crazy.  Many Bi-Polar people have cycles of mania and depression that cycle throughout the month or a certain time period.  Our son can cycle a dozen times in one day.  He's like a roller coaster and you never when the next high or low is coming.  The other issue is that his "manic" states are not happy. He becomes angry and violent.  This is one of the many reasons he was moved to Nebraska right away.  He has hurt me and we have a 9 year old daughter to consider as well.

Besides the Bi-Polar issue is Fetal Alcohol.  People who have FAE/FAS generally do not have cause and effect thinking.  That portion of their brain is destroyed by the alcohol and there is no fixing it.  There is no medication to handle this.  It also causes incredible impulsiveness.  This combination is dangerous.

While some people may think we are being cruel or abusive to our son, we cannot force him to take his medication, but we can impose consequences if he doesn't.  Homeless shelters, psychiatric wards and prisons are filled with mentally ill people who don't take their medication as prescribed. If our son chooses to continue this path, he will likely wind up in one of those three places, but it is beyond my control.  We have to do this form of tough love.  We only hope that people will understand and support this decision rather than criticize. I know many families who have faced this same situation and have had to take the same route. It is not easy and you can't understand how hard it is until you have been in this situation.

One of the hardest things in the world is to love someone with a mental illness.