Book review - Boob Envy by Shelly Knowlton Jones

If you, or someone you know has been affected by breast cancer, this a must read.

Shelly is a wife, mom, cake decorator and cancer survivor.  She journals, very honestly, about her journey from discovery of the lump through treatment and recovery, right up through the implant of the prosthetic breasts.

The thing about this book is that is the most honest look into cancer and treatment that I have ever read. From the emotions, the side effects, the days that she cried and the days she wanted to hide from even her kids, you get the complete range of emotions.

Shelly holds nothing back about how things hurt, pain meds that didn't begin to touch the pain she experienced and being annoyed with people.

However, she also brings the good side of cancer, if you can call it that.  The benefits that were given, the friends and family that stepped up and helped out with kids, housework, meals and yes, money.

There are several pages of resources for others battling cancer to draw from and use to help themselves and their families.

I've had the pleasure of meeting Shelly in person. She is as funny in person as she is in print.  And she's just as honest.

I am confident that if this horrid disease should ever strike me, I will be prepared for what might happen to me.

Other books I have read have kind of sugar coated things and been a little bit like a cheerleader.  Shelly holds nothing back, and that includes some language you might not like, but it's what she felt at the time.  I don't begrudge her anything. It's her journey, not mine, so who am I to judge?

As she puts, quite bluntly, cancer can "F*ck off and die!"  I lost my aunt to this disease and have seen many friends fight it.  Spread the word about this book, and finding a cure!

Boob Envy can be purchased on Amazon.

Adoption Day or "Gotcha Day"

Thirteen years ago my husband and I walked into the county courthouse for a joyous occasion.  We were about to become legal parents.  Little did we know it wouldn’t be the last time we’d be there, and most of them wouldn’t be good.

We entered the courthouse happy and smiling, our son in his little suit, surrounded by family and our son’s social worker.  It was a happy day, or so we thought.  We thought it made a difference.  We thought it made us a family.  We thought wrong.

From the day our son entered our home and the day he foramlly joined our family, all he ever wanted was to return to his birth family.  He wanted to be adopted in some sense.  He knew he couldn’t continue to live with his birth family, and he didn’t want to bounce through foster care anymore, so we were a means to an end.  Whether or not he consciously thought that at the time, I don’t know, but I do know he didn’t really want to be here.

We threw a huge party and had 70 people over to our house to celebrate.  He loved it because he got lots of presents.  At the time we didn’t realize how much harm we may have done by having this kind of party.  We were excited, and we just assumed he was too.  He never used his words to tell us differently.

Thirteen years later, it’s amazing to look back and see how many of those people are no longer a part of our lives; most of them family. 

On the very same day, I became an aunt.  I was already an aunt, but didn’t really know it at the time.  My brother had a six-year-old daughter that he had never met, therefore I never met her either.  So, on that day, I thought I was becoming an aunt for the first time.  I am not allowed to be a part of this niece’s life and I’m not even sure she knows who I am, even though we all live in the same town, just a few miles apart. 

It was about two months later that I met my first born niece for the first time and I have loved her since the moment I found out she was a part of our family, even though it would be a few weeks before we actually met her. 

Through the years I have been back to the same courthouse numerous times. Only once was it a good thing.  That was the day we adopted our daughter.  We appeared in court for our son’s various crimes so many times that the judges knew me by name.  Our county doesn’t have a juvenile justice judge.  It rotates every six weeks, so the fact that the judges knew me tells you how often we were there.

I can’t feel excited about this day.  It’s not one we acknowledge.  For the first few years we tried to make it a celebration, but it became apparent that he could not handle it, and it wasn’t a day we wanted to celebrate, so it was a day that has passed without notice, or at least anything formal, for the past ten years. 

It is a day that makes me sit back and wonder….Did I make a difference?

Marriage and Parenting

I read a book recently, called The Other Daughter by Miralee Ferrell.  A marriage is put to the test when a teen girl is dropped on the family's doorstep claiming to be the biological daughter of the husband.

This is a Christian based book so it is about the journey of faith of this family, in addition to how the family is shaped by the change.

There were several paragraphs that struck me.  If you are married or have children, you will be able to relate to them, especially if there are challenges in your marriage, such as children with special needs.

"Marriage isn't easy.  You both have to work at it, and I'm sure you know that.  Love is a choice, not a feeling.  We choose to love our mate even when the feelings aren't there, because it's what we promised to do.  The feelings follow the commitment.

Being a parent is much the same.  There are times we almost wish we could run away and not have to deal with the problems our children bring us.  But God placed them in our lives for a reason.  Sometime it's for their growth, sometimes for ours."

Any marriage goes through good and bad times.  There are things that happen in some marriages that can destroy it.  I've seen it happen.

When one person is working at the marriage, and the other is not, resentment can grow like you can't believe.  Marriage is between two people, not one.  The partner being taken advantage of must speak up in order for the marriage to survive.

Being a parent is hard work too.  Yes, there are times I have wanted to walk away from it, especially when we were going through the worst stuff with our son.  Often times I have wondered if he gained anything by being in our family.  I think he's gained a few things, but all he ever wanted was to be with his birth family.  I do know that I have grown and changed, drastically, because of what we have been through.

One thing I want people reading this to take away is the statement, "Love is a choice, not a feeling."

In the book it refers to the marriage.  I challenge you to think about those of us who are parenting children who have been abused and/or neglected.  Our children have a choice to love us.  Some do and some don't.  Our daughter loves us.  Our son....I'm not so sure.  I think he loves us to the level he is capable of loving anyone, but it's not anywhere near a "normal" relationship.

When you look at a family that is struggling, remember that the child was placed in that family.  The child doesn't receive a "love transplant" upon placement.  As hard as we try, we can't make a child love us, anymore than we can make a spouse or significant other love us.  Think of a time when you had a crush or were "in love" with someone who didn't return those feelings.  Were you able to "make" that person feel something for you that you didn't feel?  That's how it is with our kids.  Trust me.  If there was a way to make our children feel true love, we would do it!!!

I know there are people reading this that will be able to relate, and to you I say, You are Not Alone!

What I Did this Summer

Many kids start school with the "What I Did this Summer" assignment, so I'll share mine.

This was a crazy summer for me.  I did A LOT of traveling.  Between Memorial Day and Labor Day I was on five different trips.  Let me say, this is highly unusual for me.  I don't travel this much in two years, much less in one summer.

I started with a trip to Houston to see my best friend and to watch her daughter graduate high school.

The graduate isn't in the picture because she was off getting ready for graduation, and she'd probably kill me anyway.

I was home until mid-July, which began my insanity.  My friend, Katrina, and I went to visit my friend, Nancy.  She had lost her mother a few weeks prior and we went to spend some time with our friend.  Nancy is the founder of the Attachment & Trauma Network.  I met her in 2004 when we first got a diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

It is because of Nancy that our daughter is in our home, but it's a bit of a long story.  I will forever be grateful for the gift that she gave us, and the gifts she has given to so many families.

After a week at home, it was time to leave again.  I set off to Pennsylvania with four other adults and seven youth from our church.  We went to do a week long service trip with Week of Hope.  It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before.  It was my first time doing prolonged mission work.  I'd never done anything more than a day or a weekend, so it was a new experience.  We spent a long time traveling (14 hours each way) and with each other, but it was worth it.

The friends we made and the lessons we learned were amazing.

We returned home for, literally, two days before we set off again.  This time we left as a family.  We went to Colorado with my in-laws for a trip that my husband took often as a child and teen.  It was the first time our whole family was together in over ten years.  The chance to be together again and for us to experience things that my husband did was extraordinary.

For a girl who doesn't like heights, I did OK with being up at 13,000 feet on the top of a mountain.  A little hint - don't look down!!

After that it was home for a couple weeks, ending my summer with a quick trip to Atlanta.  This was the most "work" oriented trip.  ATN was proud to host the Southern premier of a movie called "The Boarder", about a child with attachment disorder and how it affects the family.  It was a very worthwhile weekend.  I love the chance to connect with my fellow ATN staff and Board Members, as well as meeting the families that we work with.

In this picture are Executive Director, Julie Beem along with Board Members and staff, Tanya Bowers-Dean, Stephanie Garde and myself.  Along with the movie, we hosted a resource expo for families to find services and to meet other families.  After the evening showing, we hosted a small appetizer and cocktail reception.  After 12 hours on our feet, we were ready to sit down, but spent a couple of hours staying up and talking.

And now I am home and will be for the next several months.  Every one of these trips was worth it!  I am paying for it now in weight gain and fatigue, but I will get back on my feet.  The memories are ones I will carry with me for years to come and will certain bring light on dark days.

Thank you to everyone who was a part of these memories.

Is adoption "unnatural"?

This evening my daughter and I participated in a walk for Special Olympics to support some friends of ours. When we crossed the finish line I saw a familiar face that I hadn't expected to see.... My son's social worker from while he was in residential care.

We chatted for a bit about how my son is doing, or not doing as the case may be.  We were in the community where my son now resides and where his birth family lives.  I was never fond of this worker, and the following statement shows just one of the many reasons why.

"So, he's living here where his natural family is?"

Well, if his birth family is his natural family, we are not his birth family so that make us, what?  Unnatural?  I looked up the definition of unnatural.

un·nat·u·ral adj. 1. In violation of a natural law. 2. Inconsistent with an individual pattern or custom. 3. Deviating from a behavioral or social norm: an unnatural attachment. 4. Contrived or constrained; artificial: smiled in an unnatural manner. 5. In violation of natural feelings; inhuman.

Hmmm.  This does not make me feel very good.  This means for the last 13 1/2 years I have been in violation of the law?   Or I'm a social deviant?  Or am I artificial?  Maybe I am inhuman?

Do people not realize what they are saying when they say these things?  I never proclaim to be a child's birth mother, but I do not think there is anything unnatural about me or my family.  Adoption dates back thousands of years.

if you don't believe me, pick up a Bible and open it to the Book of Ruth.  This is one of the earliest adoption stories.  Ruth's husband dies and she remarries Boaz.  They have a son who she gives to her mother-in-law Naomi because Naomi's children have all died.  Hello adoption.  Thousands of years ago.

So why do people say these stupid things when referring to an adoptive family?  Another "favorite" of mine is that he's now living with his "real" mother.  Last time I checked I'm pretty real.  And what is real?  Does a "real" mother drink and use drugs while pregnant, beat her child. allow others to use that child for completely unnatural purposes?  Does a real mother leave a child go without food so that she can get her drug fix?  

I was really there through every bit of his behavioral issues, through every school event, at his graduation, took him to college, financially supported him, tried to guide him along the right path, gave him a stable home, bandaged injuries, cleaned up after him when he was sick, gave up things for myself to provide for him, and the list goes on.  How does that make me not real?

The worst part of all this is that this man is in a position to know better!! He works in social services for goodness sakes!  He was my son's social worker for about 3 years.  Apparently he learned nothing in those 3 years, or the many others he worked in social services.  I think it's time for some training for these workers!

Sexual abuse at Penn State

I usually don't delve into political topics, but this one is really sticking in my craw in several ways.

By now I think everyone has heard about Penn State, Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky.  I am beyond appalled at what transpired there and the "higher ups" that covered it up and allowed it to happen.  


As a sexual abuse survivor, I have a different insight on this.  There are several things about this that bother me and quite frankly, just piss me off. (Pardon my French.)


1) Football was placed above the welfare of children. Yes, these were legally adults that were victimized, but the people who committed the offenses were in charge of protecting the welfare of these young men.  Age 18 may make you a legal adult, but you still trust those in leadership roles in programs, and these men violated that trust in the worst way possible.


2) Several people knew what was going on and chose to ignore it and allow it to CONTINUE!  No one valued these young men enough to put a stop to it.  See point 1.


3) This is where I'm going to get arguments, I'm sure.  The fines handed down are ludicrous.  Why?  They do nothing for the victims.  Stripping Joe Paterno of his wins?  What exactly does that accomplish?  He's dead.  How does this hurt him at all?  And what about the members of the teams over all those years that legitimately earned those wins and were not part of the cover up?  Their hard work and effort has been negated.  Don't get me wrong.  I think athletics are overly inflated and more focus should be on education, but....the athletes that participated earned those wins and should not be negated when they did nothing wrong.  


I fully agree that Penn State needs to be punished.  They allowed this to happen, covered it up, and put their football program above the welfare of the young men that they should have protected.  Plain and simple.  There is a quote that I agree whole heartedly with.  "Punishing past, present and future students of the University because of Sandusky’s crimes does not serve justice. This is not a fair or thoughtful action; it is a panicked response to the public’s understandable revulsion at what Sandusky did.


4) The reaction of the Paterno family.  "The NCAA never contacted our family or our legal counsel."  WHAT?  You don't get a say!  Your family member committed a heinous crime, and yes, covering up sexual abuse is a crime, and you think you should have a say in the punishments handed down?  NO!  The families of the VICTIMS get a say, not you!  What in the world makes you think you have any rights here?  


5) Lastly, Jerry Sandusky abused his own child.  I understand why it took his son so long to come forward and my heart breaks for him.  And to have his abuse so publicly played out....it makes it so much harder to deal with.


I'm sure this will remain in the news for a long time and there will be plenty that will disagree with me.  

Happy Birthday Son

Tomorrow (June 22) our son will turn 19.  A year ago we moved him to Nebraska to start his Freshman year of college.  My, how much has happened in that year.

At the age of 18 he left the residential treatment center that he had called home for a year.  He had graduated high school from the private school at the treatment center five days prior.  He moved into an apartment that we paid for and we furnished. We stocked his fridge and pantry. All his bills were paid.  The only thing he had to pay for was spending money.  That meant getting a job.

To him he had hit the jackpot.  He had hit the magic age of consent and that meant going off his medication. It was the beginning of a very fast downward spiral.  4 months later he had dropped out of college.  Looking back, we did him a great disservice by paying his bills and setting him up as we did.  He had no responsibility, but we can't change the past.

A year ago we pulled into Nebraska with our vehicle loaded with his things.  We went to Applebee's to celebrate his birthday, then went to our hotel for the night.  The next day we went shopping to buy the rest of his furnishings for his apartment and moved him into his new apartment. He seemed happy.

This year I am not sure what he will be doing.  I'm not even positive where he's living. I know what town he's in and that he's living with his birth mother, but other than that, I wouldn't be able to find him.

For the past several months we have not been part of his life, except when he called for bail money.  He has changed his name on his Facebook page back to his birth name, and has basically written us off, except.... yes, now we are supposed to jump up and be excited and spend his birthday with him.  Why?  Because he wants a gift or money or whatever from us.

For the past week or so, he has called us every day, multiple times a day, inquiring as to what we are doing for his birthday.  We have told him that you don't turn relationships on and off.  We either have a relationship or we don't.  This was not what he expected us to say.  In the past we have always done something with him for his birthday, we have gone to wherever he was living, I even made his birthday cakes for him.

There MAY be some sense of longing for "family" in him, but I doubt it.  On the 28th he has court for six felonies and three misdemeanors.  I believe he has taken pleas on all the charges so it should be a sentencing hearing, so his thoughts may be on going to jail....again.  I have not attended court for him since he's turned 18.  Again, a big change.  I was at every court hearing when he was a minor.  But, he has made it clear that he wants his birth family, so I am letting his decisions stand.

So, I wish him a Happy Birthday.  I don't know what that will entail for him, but I truly hope he is happy for that day.

Support System

One of the most important things when you are parenting a child with any kind of special needs is to have a great support system behind you.  I am so incredibly blessed to have that.

As I blogged about here I spent several days in Houston visiting my best friend.  I attended the graduation of her daughter while I was there, and it was the reason for the timing of the trip.

Sonya has been a staunch supporter of our parenting as long as we've had children.  There were times where she saw behaviors in my kids that I didn't see.  Having her support me has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.  While I was in Houston we talked about my kids, but it wasn't the constant theme of the vacation.  In fact, the time spent discussing kids was minimal.  We both needed the time to just relax and that's what we did.  Kids were still involved since I was staying at their house, but I love her children and we have a great time together, but we did not linger on the problems I am facing.

I am blessed with three additional amazing supporters.  We have all been friends for nearly 30 years.  I'm trying to figure out how that can be since we're all only 29 ourselves.

Deb, Mel and Shel have been my friends since high school.  Actually, Mel has been in my life far longer.  Our mothers were friends in high school and we met for the first time when we were in elementary school.

These amazing friends have seen every part of my life.  They saw the abuse I suffered and the "relationship" with my mother.  They know that what I lived is real.  They watched as things progressed with our son, and supported us when the decision was made that he had to enter residential treatment.  They may not have always agreed with our choices, but they have supported us, held us up, prayed for us, loved us and have been the best friends we could ever ask for.  Having a support system that has known you most of your life is beyond amazing.

There is a saying that I've heard for years and I believe very strongly.  "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold."  I believe this with all my heart and these ladies are pure gold.

Our final big support system is my in-laws.  Notice I didn't say my family.  My parents have not been a support system at all and have doubted us every step of the way.  My in-laws are a completely different story.

We may be over 1000 miles apart, but we are as close as can be.  We have had a great relationship, even prior to children entering the picture.  My mother-in-law and I used to have season tickets to theater events together when we both lived in the Dallas area.

My in-laws saw things with our son when he went to stay with them for a week when he was about eight.  Things did not go smoothly and he let some of his behaviors show.  That was a first for him.  He was usually sweet and charming to everyone he met.

They began to see what we dealt with and really got it when we explained things.  When the violence began, they were worried about my safety.  They understood the need for out of home placement and didn't doubt what we were doing and what the court decided.

They completely adore our daughter, but we are blessed that my mother-in-law has been a teacher in various grades and understands child development.  She knows what is "normal" and what behaviors come out at what ages.  We are now dealing with puberty and I can vent about the hormones and other issues are experiencing.  Yes, it's age appropriate behavior, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

I have other support systems.  I have met other moms through the Attachment & Trauma Network, our church is amazing, and other friends I have made along the way all are people I can lean on when I need to.  I wish every family dealing with special needs had the support I have.  Sadly, I know that's not the case for everyone.

Thank you to all the wonderful people in my life, and thank you for your support! - That almost sounded like a campaign speech. :)

Mommy Time

In about 24 hours I will be leaving for some mommy time.  I am heading to my best friend's house and will be there for 5 days.  This is 5 days of relaxation for me.  It won't exactly look like this, but it will feel like this for me.

My friend lives on a private lake, in a beautiful home, and by the way, she loves me and supports me.  That last part in the most important.  We haven't seen each other in 18 months, and the last time we did I spent a week with her while her brother lay dying in hospice.  It wasn't exactly a vacation.

Taking care of ourselves and spending time relaxing are so very important when you parent children with special needs, especially when you deal with emotionally disturbed children.

This afternoon I discovered that my son has been calling me.  He has a new phone number so it took me awhile to put it together.  I will not let his calls deter me or interrupt my relaxation time.

Part of the reason for this trip is that my "niece," Haley, is graduating high school.  Sonya and I met when Haley was only six months old, so being there for her graduation is important to me.  She is six months younger than my son, but worlds apart in maturity.  About four hours away will be another graduation that I will miss.  Another young woman whom we have known since birth.  Again, similar age to my son, but worlds apart in maturity. It is hard to not dwell on the success these young women will make of their lives, while he decides to trash his life, but celebrating with them is far more important.

Both of these young women give me unconditional love, and have for years.  If there was a way I could make both graduations, I would do it in a heartbeat, but Texas is a little large.

This may not be your idea of a good time, but it is for me.  Sonya and I might as well be sisters.  We have been best friends since we met 18 years ago.  We share everything, laugh until it hurts, cry until we can't anymore, and again, she has my back.  Her support during everything we have been through has never wavered.

We will also get together with our friend, Mary, whom I haven't seen in eight years, and my friend over on the Two Men and a Little Farm blog.  The last time I saw him was the end of 1995, a day or two before I left Houston.  I have no doubt we will pick up right where we left off.  Friends like that are more precious than gold.

As parents, we many times make excuses as to why we can't do things like this.  We tell ourselves our kids come first, and deny ourselves vacations or other "luxuries."  It took a long time for me to figure out that I have to put my mental health first in order to be a good mother.  Lately, the stress has been getting very bad.  One of the muscles in my jaw has tightened up so badly I can only eat soft food, or food you can barely chew.  I have been clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth.  Sure signs I am stressed.  I owe it to myself and my family to take this time off.

And besides, having my husband do the things that I always do is good for him too.  It gives him a new appreciation of what I do.  He will get a little time off while I'm gone as well.  A friend of ours is getting married.  He will attend the wedding and have time with friends.  It's good for him too.

The moral of this story is....give your family a gift.  Do something for yourself!!!

Seeing it done right

As I deal with my son starting down a criminal path, I can't help but look at the sweet face in this picture.

This is a little girl that I watch 2 days a week.  She brings such joy to my week and lifts my spirits whenever I see her.

My son had a crappy start to his life.  His abuse started before he was born.  His birth mother drank and used drugs during the pregnancy.  She denies it to me, but I have court reports where she admits it.  All of the boys (5 total) show physical characteristics of fetal alcohol issues.

Add in continued physical abuse after his birth, watching domestic violence as he grew up and various other things, and his path did not start out well.

Contrast that to this beautiful little girl.  She is sweet as can be.

Her parents love her completely, prepare her baby food from scratch (organic foods no less), keep a clean home, hug and kiss her often, get down on the floor and play with her and everything that good parents do.  I wonder what my son's life would be like if his birth mother had loved him enough to do these things with him.

I normally watch this little girl at her home. It is better for her to be on her regular schedule, in her own environment, surrounded by familiar things.  Today we had to leave because my daughter had a presentation at school and I wanted to see it.  Baby girl saw my husband today.  She's only seen him once or twice before this.

When you parent the kids we do, you look at interactions very differently.  She did not reach out for him or eagerly engage with him, but she didn't shy away either.  She waited for my cues as to whether he was safe or not.  When she got her verbal, and non verbal cues, she began to interact.

She is a sweet little girl, ahead of schedule developmentally, and when she cries, it's because she has a need.  She is just a joy.  When her mom leaves for her classes, she doesn't cry, because she knows she is safe with me and that I will take care of her.  However, when her mom comes home at the end of the day, it's a different story.  She lights up with a big smile when she sees her.  If mom leaves the room, Baby Girl starts to cry.  Even though she can see mom or hear her, she still is ready to be back in the arms of mom.

As much as I hate to hear this little one cry (it breaks my heart) knowing that she is so securely attached to her mom makes my heart sing.  This is one little girl who will be loved completely, given every chance in life and barring any major medical issues, will have uninterrupted attachment.  That may sound like no big deal, but in my world, it is huge!!

Being right sucks sometimes

The past few weeks have been very hectic and I've been processing a lot of things that have happened.  Fortunately for me, I have some very good friends who help me through things.

My son is currently sitting in jail.  Less than a week ago I received a phone call asking for bail money.  I've made it clear that I don't pay bail money, but he asked anyway.  I didn't pay.  Fortunately, neither did my father.

Things currently stand at 5 felony burglary charges, 3 misdemeanor joy riding charges and 1 felony bail jumping charge.  All since March 2, 2012.

Sadly, THIS is not surprising.  The rapid succession of charges is somewhat surprising.

What I have been processing is the level of my son's sociopathy.  I had a conversation with his birth mother the other night, the first ever.  Her telling of the events of the last six weeks when he re-entered her level showed me exactly how damaged he is.  Apparently he thinks nothing of trashing me to his birth mother.

However, he does the same to his birth mother with me.  During the conversation where he was asking for bail money, he told me that his birth mother had set him up.  She did turn him in for the theft.  Just a few minutes prior to calling me he told her how much he loved her, asked her for a hug and kiss and completely tried to manipulate her.  When he called me the switch had flipped.  I was the wonderful one and she was the horrible one.  I got a sob story about how he had a job, an apartment and needed to get out so he could continue to work.  It was a lie.

The longer we talked it became obvious how much he has played everyone in his life.  Deep down, there is no true and honest person inside.  He has no values or beliefs that are honest.  Everything is manipulation.

Tomorrow he will face the initial court hearing in one county, Tuesday he has a plea hearing in another county.  The end of May he has trial for the first charge, unless he decides to take a plea on Tuesday.

A few months ago I predicted he would be in jail and/or prison before his 19th birthday.  Another thing I was right on, and I'm rather sick of being right on these things.  All of it is out of my control though.

All of these charges are state level, which means prison, not county jail.  This is a new phase of parenting.  One I thought I was prepared for, but sadly, I am not.

Does It Bother You?

The first time I was asked if something bothered me was when a foster mother asked me if it bothered me to see my son being handcuffed and taken to juvenile detention.  My response was quick and easy... "NO."  She looked at me rather funny.  "You have no idea how many times I have seen this," I replied.  It didn't change her feeling of how I SHOULD be feeling.

It really puzzles me how people who haven't been down our road feel they have the right to decide how we should feel. Yes, she was his foster mother...for less than a year at that point...and I'd been doing this for 11 years, had been in front of every judge in our county, and had seen my son in handcuffs more times than I can remember.  No, it doesn't bother me.  It's not a reflection of my parenting.  I didn't make the choices that landed him in jail.  He owns these choices.

In the past 6 weeks or so we have received numerous phone calls from the police, our son's biological brother and various other people about his latest illegal activities.  We have even gotten a few phone calls from our son, usually wanting money.  He knows we don't pay bail money, so for a few days he sat in jail.  He is currently up on felony burglary charges, and he may have some car theft charges coming, and possibly some more burglary charges.

When I see our son's brother's name come up on the caller ID on my phone, I groan.  I groan because I know that our son has done something else to his brother that is causing his brother problems.  Right now we work with his brother on how to file the appropriate charges with the police.  Our son dropped off a flat screen TV and surround sound at his brother's house as "payment" for money he stole from his brother.  We all know the TV is stolen and we don't want his brother charged with receiving stolen property, so we navigate that system to help his brother.

I got a text from my husband today telling me that the police are looking for our son.  It doesn't bother me.  In some respects, I'm numb.  I've been through this too many times to get worked up each time this happens.  Actually, I expect this to happen.  My prediction is that he will be in jail/prison before his 19th birthday in June.  In a twisted way, that thought is comforting.  I will know where he is (he is currently house hopping - living with whoever will take him in until he burns the bridge with them) and that he is being fed.  He does "well" in jail.  He needs the structure in order to be successful in his life.  They may treat his Bi-Polar disorder there as well. If they don't, he's at least contained.

So, no, none of this bothers me.  It does bother me to see him throwing his life away, but it doesn't surprise me.  He could have done something incredibly amazing with his life, but each day he slips further and further away.

Self Care

I can "preach this sermon" like nobody's business, but I fail miserably at it.

When you are parenting emotionally disturbed children it is especially essential that you take care of both your mental and physical health.  You can not be an effective parent if your health is lacking.

I am an on-the-go person.  I rarely sit down and just relax.  When you parent kids with special needs you give up a lot, so as Lent approached, the thought of giving up yet another thing is emotionally draining to so many of us.

Several years ago I had a discussion with some of the group at ATN about giving something up.  We decided that we would do something to nurture ourselves or do something to grow spiritually.  Giving back to ourselves is one of the best things we can do for our family and ourselves, but one of the most difficult things to do.

It doesn't have to be something major.  Today I am going to get my nails done.

This month I am doing some traveling, which is incredibly restorative to me.  Last week I went on a business trip to Chicago.  How can a business trip be relaxing?  First of all, I rarely travel for business.  Secondly, I went with my boss and a co-worker and we are all good friends.  We laughed a lot, were treated to a wonderful dinner by the company, and just enjoyed each other's company.  About 10 minutes after I returned from that, I turned around and went to Madison for my Lay Academy class. The class is full of good friends, and helps me to grow spiritually.  I was gone from Thursday morning until lat afternoon on Saturday.  It wasn't a long time, but it was enough to help my spirit.

Next week I will head to the mountains in North Georgia for a ATN Board of Directors meeting.  The setting is beautiful and the friends are wonderful.  To be among people that understand your life and you don't have to offer any explanations or excuses is so refreshing.  I will be gone from Thursday morning until late Sunday night.  Again, not a long time, but refreshing and renewing.

My self-care is not this extravagant every day.  Usually it's something like knitting, reading a good book, or stopping (very difficult for me) and spending time on the couch with my husband.

Earlier this week I met with my Ear, Nose and Throat doctor to go over some test results relating to my sinuses and migraines.  One of the things he recommended was regular massages.  You don't have to tell me twice!!  My husband was sitting right there when the doctor recommended this and even said my husband could do the massages.  What better thing than having a doctor say you should get a massage?

Find something to do for yourself on a regular basis.  It could be reading, exercise, bible study, pampering such as a massage or getting your nails done, a craft you enjoy, even coloring a picture.  Pick whatever it is that will boost your spirits and your mental health.  It is crucial to EVERY part of your life!

Would you do it again?

13 years ago today we met our son for the first time.  It has been one wild ride ever since.  I love my son, but truthfully, and this will not sit well with some people, I don't like him most of the time.

When he sat in my living room yesterday and told me that he was accused of stealing from his drug dealer, there wasn't an ounce of shock on my face.  Honestly, I can't think of anything he could say or do that would shock me at this point.  We have been through so much.  We have appeared before every judge in our county at some point.  Our county is small and does not have a juvenile justice judge.  Instead it rotates every 6 weeks, so we have had cases in front of every judge.

But let me back up a little.  When we first met our son, my husband and I had big rose colored glasses on.  We thought with love and a stable home life, things would turn around for him.  At the time we adopted him pre-adoption classes were not required and Reactive Attachment Disorder was not a word we ever heard.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't harbor any ill will against our adoption worker.  We still communicate to this day.  She did the best she could with the information she had.  None of us could have predicted what would come along.

My husband and I were so excited to become parents.  Our son's profile was the first one we read.  I remember those days very clearly.  We got the documents on Friday, and I left Saturday for a state bowling tournament out of town.  I took the file with me and read it thoroughly.  In my naive and excited state I thought, and these were my exact words..."He's just a regular kid cranked up a few notches."  I couldn't have been more wrong.  At the time we didn't fully understand the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome or pre-natal drug exposure.  The internet was just really starting to become what it is today and it never crossed our minds to do further research.  Like I said, we were very naive.

The five year old boy that we met had an engaging smile and could be a very sweet and loving boy.  We laughed a lot in those days.  As he grew and his mental health issues became more serious the anger and violence grew, along with the lack of impulse control.  Stealing was a very regular issue.

The first time I heard about attachment disorder was in 2002 when we were looking at the placement of another little boy.  The placing worker told us that his older brothers had RAD and they suspected he did.  At that time we were far more internet savvy and we jumped online to investigate.  I looked at my husband and said, "I don't know if this little boy has it or not, but the one living in our house sure does."  He exhibited every symptom except harming animals.  We didn't pursue it then, and we should have, but... This new little boy joined our home and three months later his baby sister came at five days old.  I had my hands full.

When those two placements were terminated and our son's anger and violence escalated to a point where none of us were safe, I reached out to the social worker that had placed the two children in our home.  She gave me the name of a therapist who specialized in attachment and trauma.  The worker asked me to keep an open mind.  From the day we walked into her office in April 2004, I knew we had found the right person.  She got everything that we had been living with.  She didn't fall for any manipulation at all.  After 18 months of therapy she told us that she had yet to see a true emotion out of him.  Everything he was did was manipulative or answers he thought he was supposed to give.  It was peeling layers from an onion.

We tried psychiatric placement.  He was in for nine days.  Medications were adjusted and he was "stable" which is what the job of a hospital is.  Stabilize the child and send him/her home.  When he was discharged the psychiatrist told me not to bring him back. I was beyond floored.  How could a psychiatrist not agree to treat my child?  Once again, we had found someone who got it.  He told me that my son knew how to play the system and say what he thought he was supposed to say.  They saw a different side of him when he thought no one was looking, but they knew they were not equipped to treat him.  I asked the doctor what we were supposed to do.  He said, "Call the police.  Whenever he gets violent, and he will, call the police and get the paper trail started. It's the only way you're going to get treatment for him."

That doctor was absolutely right.  It only took three months before we had the first episode with property damage with him throwing things at us.  We called, the police documented and the paper trail began.  After a few calls, we were sent back to social services, who tried different interventions.  The court ordered him into "shelter care" which is non-secure detention.  It's like a house setting, but the kids are not locked in.  We did that several times with no change before the next judge ruled that he would spend time in juvenile detention.  Over the next two months, he had two different ten days stays in juvenile detention and a couple more shelter care stays.  Nothing changed.  This lead to the judge ordering him into residential treatment.  He entered the first center in December 2005. It was the last time our son would live at home.  Truthfully, he hadn't lived at home for about two months before that because he was bouncing in and out of shelter care and juvenile detention.  Four residential treatment centers, seven shelter care stays, nine juvenile detention stays, and three treatment foster homes later.. he turned 18.  All services were now gone.

It has been a long and very bumpy road.  So, would I adopt this child again if I knew then what I know now?  My honest answer is, I don't know.  When he sat in my living room recounting the events of the past few months with the same tone as if he was telling me he had eaten a ham a cheese sandwich, the level of his mental illness was so apparent.  However, the up side, if you can call it that, is that he knows we are his safe place to fall.  We are the only people who have stuck with him for the last 13 years.  No matter what he has done, we have been here.  We have advocated for him and his care.  We haven't liked his choices and we have allowed the court to hold him accountable, but we have always been there. I sat in ever single court hearing.  Some part of him knows that because he bounces back to us when he has nowhere else to turn, or things didn't turn out the way he thought they would.  And that may be our relationship for the rest of his life.  I truly don't know.

I do know it will never be a "normal" parent/child relationship. I do know it will never match the dream we had when we started the adoption process.  Currently he is pursuing relationships with his birth family.  I know enough about the history to know it is not going to be the fantasy he is hoping for, and we will be here when he gets hurt, again.  It's the best I can do right now.

Who/What is ATN?

Touching Trauma at Its Heart

ATN is the group my husband and I volunteer for, and has been an emotional lifesaver for us.

ATN stands for Attachment & Trauma Network.  We work with families who have children who have been abused, neglected or suffered emotional or medical trauma in their early lives.  This shows up in behavioral and medical issues.

So, what does all that mean?  There are various reports that you can find on our web page to really get into an explanation, but.... the short and sweet of it is that something has happened to these children that has broken the crucial bonding cycle in early life.

These children have had the very basic trust that should be established in the first two years of life violated in some way.

There is some great buzz around ATN right now because yesterday we rolled out our new logo (pictured above), our new tag line - Touching Trauma at Its Heart, and a brand new format of our newsletter.

ATN's focus is to help, support, educate and advocate for the parents who are raising these children.  In MOST cases, these are foster or adopted children.  Trauma can affect biological children.  It is usually in the form of a medial issue, but there can be other things that affect biological children. Mostly we work with foster and adoptive parents.

Pediatric Trauma is a mental health issue, however adequate resources for pediatric mental health is vastly lacking!  Providers who truly understand and can work with the issues are few and far between.  When we find good providers, they tend be over booked because they DO get it.

ATN has been lifesavers for our family because it was the first place we found that understood our daily lives.  The fantastic all volunteer staff got us through some very difficult times.

We are so proud of what we are doing that we are offering up our newsletter, usually a members only benefit, for free this month.  If you are interested in a copy, e-mail kelly@attachtrauma.org or julieb@attachtrauma.org.

Also check out our Facebook, Google Plus and Twitter pages.   We will also very happily accept your donation.  ATN is completely volunteer run.  Every person on staff is parenting or working with traumatized children.  We understand the parents we work with because we live it every single day.  You can also join ATN as a parent for only $35 a year, or as a professional member for $75 a year.

Even if you're not parenting a traumatized child, you can make a difference in the life of these children.

If you are parenting one of these children, ATN wants you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Loss after loss

The last few days I have had a very heavy heart.  Dear friends of mine lost their 31 year old daughter in a tragic car accident.


We are very close, almost like family, so I grieve for and with them.


This wonderful couple has opened their home to 10 children, all adopted as older children or from disrupted/dissolved adoptions.  This means that the child was already adopted by another family and that adoption didn't work, for whatever reason.


That means that these children have already suffered great losses in their lives.  There are abuse and neglect histories, loss of birth family, loss of adoptive family or families, and now the loss of a sibling.


I know this family well, so I know the personalities of the children.  I see one that is withdrawing slightly and another who is going between lashing out and pulling in.  This loss has hit them hard.


Their sister was a beautiful young woman and her loss with be felt by many, but mostly by this family.  


I will do my absolute best to help them through this time of loss, and to be open to ALL of the children.  I have a pretty good relationship with the teens (I think) and we have talked through other issues before.  They know how to find me if they need someone to talk to.  


This is the best I can do. I cannot take away their pain, and for that my heart remains heavy.  I will be there for the parents who try to figure out how to deal with life without their beautiful daughter.  


Sometimes the best we can do is just BE.  That means just sit with someone.  Maybe offer a shoulder to cry on or lean on.  


Whatever is needed, I will do my best to be a good friend.  This is not something a parent/family should ever have to go through.  


One of the nieces of the young woman summed it up so beautifully today.  


"Do you know Roni can see the rainbow? Cuz Roni's in heaven and in heaven you can see everything." 


Enjoy the rainbows Roni.

Happy Anniversary - Sort of

Today is a special day, but not one we really celebrate in our house.

Five years ago today I brought home one really messed up little girl.  She was with a fabulous family, but she didn't want to be there.  She did everything to let them to know, and she wasn't subtle.  At 4 years old she tried to choke an older brother, she screamed 8 - 10 hours a day, if she was hurt, she went to anyone BUT her mother for comfort and so on.

We had spent several months talking with this couple about "rehoming" their daughter.  We had already done respite for them several times, so we knew exactly what we were getting into, but we also saw something there that we had never (and still haven't) seen with our son - Hope.  She wanted a family, but she was angry at this family.  There is a very simple reason that she was angry and she could tell me why, but she couldn't get past it, no matter how much therapy they did, and boy did they.  This couple was so committed to her, but without change on HER part, it wasn't going to work, and she didn't want to change.

We met at a neutral location, which we always did when we were the respite family.  We did the "hand off" but something was a little different.  She came with a few more things and some personal things, such as her "baby book" (a scrapbook lovingly made by her mother.)

At the time we told her it was going to be respite, but we knew that wasn't the case.  We all think she did too.  We didn't want to tell her she was staying until we had permanent guardianship from the court, which took another couple of months.  None of us wanted to tell this little girl that she was going to stay if the court didn't agree.  She couldn't handle an adult lying to her.

If you look at a change in placement, it's a scary thing.  The child is being moved to yet another home (some kids can have 30 - 40 placements) with a family that they don't know who is telling them they love them and that they're going to be here forever.  Like we as adults would believe this, but we expect kids to.  We expect them to be excited to be in a house of strangers who proclaim love for them. How could they possibly love someone they don't know?

Things changed when our daughter entered our home.  She grew and flourished into a beautiful young lady.  It wasn't anything that we did that was amazing, it was her willingness to change and accept us as her family.

So while we are thrilled that we have gained a wonderful daughter, we hurt for the family she left behind.  They made the most loving choice they could for her and it hurt them deeply.  I know the pain of loving a child who no longer lives with you.  I still ache for them, and I wish they could have experienced the girl we have.  They did all the HARD work for her.  They deserved THIS girl!

So, before anyone thinks about criticizing an adoptive family who terminates a placement, think about how that family feels.  Their decision is made out of love, not out of selfishness.  No one would choose the pain of having a child leave their life.