Happy Birthday Son

Tomorrow (June 22) our son will turn 19.  A year ago we moved him to Nebraska to start his Freshman year of college.  My, how much has happened in that year.

At the age of 18 he left the residential treatment center that he had called home for a year.  He had graduated high school from the private school at the treatment center five days prior.  He moved into an apartment that we paid for and we furnished. We stocked his fridge and pantry. All his bills were paid.  The only thing he had to pay for was spending money.  That meant getting a job.

To him he had hit the jackpot.  He had hit the magic age of consent and that meant going off his medication. It was the beginning of a very fast downward spiral.  4 months later he had dropped out of college.  Looking back, we did him a great disservice by paying his bills and setting him up as we did.  He had no responsibility, but we can't change the past.

A year ago we pulled into Nebraska with our vehicle loaded with his things.  We went to Applebee's to celebrate his birthday, then went to our hotel for the night.  The next day we went shopping to buy the rest of his furnishings for his apartment and moved him into his new apartment. He seemed happy.

This year I am not sure what he will be doing.  I'm not even positive where he's living. I know what town he's in and that he's living with his birth mother, but other than that, I wouldn't be able to find him.

For the past several months we have not been part of his life, except when he called for bail money.  He has changed his name on his Facebook page back to his birth name, and has basically written us off, except.... yes, now we are supposed to jump up and be excited and spend his birthday with him.  Why?  Because he wants a gift or money or whatever from us.

For the past week or so, he has called us every day, multiple times a day, inquiring as to what we are doing for his birthday.  We have told him that you don't turn relationships on and off.  We either have a relationship or we don't.  This was not what he expected us to say.  In the past we have always done something with him for his birthday, we have gone to wherever he was living, I even made his birthday cakes for him.

There MAY be some sense of longing for "family" in him, but I doubt it.  On the 28th he has court for six felonies and three misdemeanors.  I believe he has taken pleas on all the charges so it should be a sentencing hearing, so his thoughts may be on going to jail....again.  I have not attended court for him since he's turned 18.  Again, a big change.  I was at every court hearing when he was a minor.  But, he has made it clear that he wants his birth family, so I am letting his decisions stand.

So, I wish him a Happy Birthday.  I don't know what that will entail for him, but I truly hope he is happy for that day.

Kids Can Heal - Sometimes

Yesterday, my "little girl" turned 10.  We had a great day.  We started with breakfast in bed, which is a family tradition.  She received a few small gifts (and I mean few and small) then off to school she went.  This year she elected for forgo the regular party in return for a night out to dinner with Mom & Dad - not McDonald's.  We went to a Japanese Steakhouse and had a great time.  A bit of shopping afterward (Daddy's a big sucker for the little girl) and then home to bed.

Now, rewind the clock 5 years, and this would not have been the case. First of all, she wasn't our daughter.  She was living with a wonderful family, but she didn't want to be there and was making this quite clear.  Between the screaming 8 - 10 hours a day and the trying to choke her older brother, the clues were not subtle.  This kid was not happy and she didn't care who knew it.  It wasn't the fault of the family!  Let me make that perfectly clear.  They did everything in their power to help her, but she wasn't having any of it.  Social services made bad choices in this little girl's life that set this family up to fail.

When she moved into our home, she made a CHOICE to change her life.  Yes, at 5 years old she made the choice.  Think of all the people in your life.  I'm sure there are a few of them that you hope and pray will make changes in their life and turn things around but you know it has to be their choice.  It's the same with our kids.  They have to CHOOSE to receive the love we offer and to make their life good.  If they choose to stay stuck in the same negative patterns, they're going to get what they always got.  For many of our kids, they prefer the chaos and the emotions they know.  Putting their necks out and risking feelings they're not familiar with, well that's just too scary so don't even go there.

The kid I have is funny, smiley, laughs all the time, loves life, and overall is fun to be around - most of the time.  She is a 10 year old girl entering puberty after all.  I am glad, for her, that she made the choice.

However, for all the good things, my husband and I reflected upon a few things.  Our son would never be happy with what we did for our daughter.  It always has to be big and grand.  No matter how hard we tried, we were never able to please him.  He always wanted more from us, and it was always about what was in it for him.  Last night when we asked our daughter if she was happy with her choice of dinner over a party she said, "Yes, I get to spend time with Mom & Dad being a family.  That's the best."  Those words would never pass our son's lips.

The other issue is that our son has no idea it's his sister's birthday.  She has grown used to the fact that he doesn't acknowledge these events for anyone in the family, so didn't expect him to call or send a card, nor does she care.  This is not for lack of trying on my part - again, my effort.  At the beginning of the year, I gave him a planner with everyone's birthdays and anniversaries in it.  He has chosen to ignore them.  There is nothing it for him.  It would involve an emotional investment and he doesn't do that. I could call and tell him it's his sister's birthday and he needs to call her, but really, what's the point?  Why make him call her and tell her Happy Birthday when he really doesn't mean it?  Will that make her feel better?  Nope.  She was fine with her day exactly as it was.

So, while we celebrate the wonderful daughter that we have, we have a certain amount of heartbreak for all the love we have given our son that he so easily rejects.

Happy Birthday to Me - Sort of

As I mentioned in my previous post, I parent two children that my husband and I adopted.  Their early lives were not easy, and sometimes I get a glimpse into their lives.

I didn't have the greatest childhood and my relationship with my family is strained at best.  My birthday was last week.  I didn't have many birthday parties as a child and when you live with traumatized children, having birthday parties can be a dangerous thing.  I'll explain that in future posts.

Anyway, something happened the night before my birthday that had me thinking about the day I was born.  I realized that there were very few people that were excited about my birth.  My mother turned 17 two months before I was born.  She didn't want a child, but it was a way out of an abusive home...hence, my conception.  She was not excited to be a mother. It was  means to an end.  My father was excited, from what I have been told. I know my grandfather welcomed my birth. I was the first biological grandchild.  Aside from that, I doubt there was anyone who was excited.

I have several friends who are pregnant, or have recently had babies.  These are children who are wanted and loved.  There were or will be people who rejoice as these little ones enter the world.  Not so in my case, and probably not in the case of my children either.

All of the kids that I have parented (there were two that lived with us that we were unable to keep - unfortunately) were born to unmarried parents and were not the first children.  They were removed for various reasons of abuse/neglect.  These are not circumstances that would make you presume someone rejoiced about their birth.

It's sad that a child's birth should ever not be celebrated.  They are a gift from God.

Note:  The baby picture is not me. It's the beautiful daughter of a friend of mine.  She IS loved, cared for and her birth was very much celebrated.